For FNGs, the swirl of inside-baseball lingo and jargon used at your average F3 workout can be a bit confusing. Like, for instance, What’s an FNG and why do people keep calling me that? (FNG stands for Friendly New Guy, or something along those lines… )
The F3 Lexicon is intended to help in that regard, providing a scattershot listing of lingo, sayings, expressions, acronyms, etc., that may come in handy when reading a BackBlast (“A writeup of what happened on a workout”) or attempting to decipher an email from a QIC (“The leader of a given workout”).
If we’ve missed something or your group has come up with something that needs to be added, contact us.
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AlteredStates: As in running AlteredStates style. A goofy, loping style reminiscent of William Hurt in the 80′s sci-fi flick Altered States.
Alpharetta TimeWarp: A weekend with the in-laws.
AngrusSix: The celebration of the man who comes in second on any run to Angrus–the greatest runner any of us has ever known personally.
AO: Area of Operations.
Apocolypto: A winding and gloomy trail through the woods through which to run at an ankle-breaker pace.
Ark Loader: A routine involving sprints that invoke a series of animal movements: e.g., the Leapfrog, the Crab Walk, the Bear Crawl . . .
Avec Gants: Frog for “with gloves”; meant sarcastically when a Qrusader is wearing Isotoners and it’s freaking 50 degrees in the Gloom.
BackBlast: A writeup of what happened on a workout.
BackForty: Empty field at Selwyn that borders Runnymede.
Ball of Man: A gaggle of men standing tightly together.
BAML: Bank of America.
Belked: The act of finishing a race after sustaining an injury after which many others outside F3 would quit. Named after Belk broke his finger during a Spartan race, rubbed some dirt on it — well, got it bandaged — and then finished.
Bent Jacob: Any deviation from a straight Jacob’s Ladder.
BigBang: First day of a new F3 workout.
Billy Zane: An Emotional Headlock delivered during a workout to an FNG who is working out solo next to his personal Fern and is otherwise minding his own business. NOTE: While an attempted but unsuccessful attempted Billy Zane is admirable, it does not count unless the FNG actually joins the Faithful for the remainder of the workout. FIRST KNOWN OCCURRENCE: OBT’s EH of FNG “Zane” just prior to a Bent Jacob at F3/Latta BigBang.
Blockorama: A routine done with concrete blocks. Invented by some ancient Greek probably, but popularized Tango Delta.
Brickyard: Portico in front of the AG track with the sponsor-name-bricks set into the concrete.
Brosius: Any Qrusader who has married way better than he deserves. Inspiration: Scott Brosius’ World Series MVP after a career as a journeyman infielder.
BRR: The Blue Ridge Relay.
Buggy Whip Salesman; The Selwyn Librarian. In the days of Google and the Kindle, being a librarian is like trying to sell buggy whips after H. Ford rolled out the Model T.
Bureaucorama: An annoying, mind-numbing and ultimately pointless conversation with a government employee (see TSA Standard Operating Procedures).
Busted Paw: The trophy awarded to the current F3 champion of the Leatherneck. The cup is named for a member of the first championship team, who upon learning his team had been bested the next year, promptly proceeded to pound ground and break his hand.
Butterbean: Qrusader tending toward the endomorphic body type; naturally wary of running (antonym: Sugar Ray).
Cackalackia: North Carolina.
Campos: Soccer fields at Freedom Park where the F3 predecessor, the Qrusade, began in February 2006.
Chilcutts: Workout gear that is excessively Tar Heel themed.
Chuck: Any fun fact about Chuck Norris, the toughest man ever and an F3 demi-god.
Ciabatta: Properly known as Tabata. A four-minute exercise that involves 20 seconds of work followed by 10 seconds of of rest repeated 8 times. Properly done, all but guaranteed to induce TBQ. A favorite of OBT and his gym timer.
Circle of Pain: A circle formed for group exercises, including Six Minutes of Mary, Push-o-Rama, Leg-o-Rama, Side-Straddle Hops, etc.
Clubhouse: Nix Restaurant in CNC–where center-city F3 Spreadsheeters frequently lunch.
CNC: Charlotte, North Carolina. Shining city on the hill, brothers, and capital city of the F3 Nation.
Cobain: An F3 apology — as in “All Apologies.”
Coffeeteria: where F3 particpants go to drink coffee and mock each other after the workout.
#CSAUP: Completely Stupid And Utterly Pointless — the hard things the men of #F3 do to sharpen themsleves and one another.
C2C: Corner to Corner, running short, fast distances to a corner or designated spot, where the faster runners pick up a plank to wait for the slower runners.
D1: A guy who played a Division I college sport — even soccer.
Dead Dinosaur: Gasoline.
Dirty MacDeuce: A routine — 4 sets of three exercises done to 12 repetitions at a four-count, with 12 seconds of rest in-between each set. Each set consists of a chest/ab/core.
Dr. JellyFinger: Affirmation Jones’ internist. The unfriendliest doctor on CNC.
Dog: Hands and knees, as in “pick up the Dog”.
DoubleApplesauce: A two-column Indian run.
Down Painment: Paying the physical price to look nice with a hard daily workout.
DR: Stands for “Down Range” — as in out of town and not available to Post.
Dutch Oven: A real or Emotional fart-trap used as a non-prosecutable and low-grade torture device. See also: FartBoarding.
Emotional Crickets: Silence.
Emotional Fungos: Being a good (maybe a little better than good) husband. A Must for a Brosius.
Emotional Headlock: How most men are recruited to F3 — by someone they know and trust putting them in an EH telling them this is something they need.
Emotional Kiosk: An announcement of note to the F3 Nation.
Emotional LarryDrew: Quitting instead of seeing difficult through.
Emotional Shart: Trying to sneak something out, screwing it and creating a dang mess. See Shart.
EndZone: Rubbery hardball area in one end zone of the AG track–good place for the MacDeuce.
Epstein’s Mother: A half-assed excuse for not Posting, delivered in advance of the workout so nobody can claim you Fartsacked and made up an excuse afterward. Inspired by the excuse notes Juan Epstein of “Welcome Back Kotter” drafted for himself, but ignorantly signed “Epstein’s Mother”.
E-Spackler: A worthless compliment or piece of information. Inspired by the Dali Lama’s tip to Carl Spackler in “Caddyshack.”
Excuse Bag: That nasty emotional bag of reasons a man uses to excuse his failure to Post.
Faithful: Those who Post for a workout.
FartBoarding: Torture without real Zeal.
FEBA: Stands for “False Enthusiasm and Bullshit Attitude;” fake zeal. Often mistaken for “viva” by an FNG.
Fern: A gym or other workout facility where you can pay for the privilege of running on a treadmill, plugged into ESPN, next to a plastic fern.
FNG: A gentleman enjoying his first Post.
FreedomBird: An airplane.
Gamucci: The Wednesday 0515 workout at Selwyn Elementary attended by many CNC F3ers and Qrusaders.
Garfunkel: Bridge between the BackForty and RobertPlant–troubled water, Brothers, troubled waters.
#GED: Derives from the General Equivalency Degree method of obtaining a high school degree. The Old School/Home School and is used in response to the idea that we need fancy expertise at F3.
Gloom: The murky pre-dawn atmosphere in which the Faithful gather around the ShovelFlag. Also, the O-2 the Faithful suck in during the workout.
GoldenMcNuts: Large testicles.
Golum: A man who follows behind the Faithful (usually with a dog as a prop) seeking The Fellowship without joining the Circle.
GONADS: Gathering Of North American Distance Sprinters–a shadowy running group loosely affiliated with F3.
Hamburger Hill: The Selwyn Hill next to Ramos’ Office up which the Faithful run the Jacob’s Ladder. It’s a geographical bump of pain.
Hate: A man in his 30s.
HateHate: A man in his 20s (and sometimes younger).
HardDick and Bubblegum: The will to physically and mentally persevere through hardship.
Hashtag Whatever: Twitter shortcut and grouping device for a line of palaver. E.g., “hashtag jealousy, where’d you get those Monkeyfeet?”
High Functioning Hybrid (HFH): Mesomorphic Qrusader who splits the difference between Sugar Ray and Butterbean.
Horseshoes: On the track, a 300 yard sprint in a mosey sandwich.
Idiot Stick: A long gun, usually a rifle.
Jacob’s Ladder: Seven times up the hill, with an increasing number of burpees at the top each trip up.
Justifier: The male reproductive organ.
Kotters: Greetings to a F3er who Posts after an excused absence (Epstein’s Mother). Inspired by ’70s sitcom “Welcome Back Kotter.”
Larry Bird: Any man who completes a full Jacob’s Ladder prior to the QIC’s completion of same.
Larry Drew: Any man who quits before completing a full Jacob’s Ladder.
Leatherneck: aka the USMC Mud Run, the Super Bowl of F3 events. The Busted Paw trophy is awarded to the team winner.
Legorama: A leg routine of unspecified composition.
LeggyKid: A short, fat, and generally bald middle-aged guy, the typical F3er.
LIFO: A Qrusader who Posts last and Un-asses first, as in “Last In, First Out.”
Loddy-Doddy-Everybody: Every single dude.
LOML: “Light of My Life”. An #F3er’s wife.
LOR: An allusion to Lord of the Rings.
Lurker: Quarter-mile stretch of steep hill on Lilac Road, along the backside of Freedom Park that the Faithful always know is lurking.
MackBrowner: A workout that seems more like a football practice.
MansonLamps: Crazy looking eyes.
Maxi-Deuce: The hologram download of MacDeuce. His jump drive contains all the anger, spite and viciousness that MacDeuce keeps suppressed. Also, he’s a trickster.
MickeyMantleStretch: An old-school stretching routine similar to one Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford might have executed at spring training in say, 1957.
MojoWire: An e-mail trail.
MonkeyFeet: Five Finger Vibrams.
Mordor: Europe. See LOR.
Mumble Chatter: the practice of continual chirping over and around the Q’s cadence. See Dredd or Moniteur.
Must: Something that really ought to be done. Inspired by REM song Voice of Harold.
Mustang: The home field of the Myers Park High School Mustangs and a popular spot for F3/AG routines involving pull-up bars and track work.
NakedMan Moleskin: An e-journal, or post of crazy happenings during a workout. Named after Mark Lauren and the notebook used by He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named for memorialization of profound items. Sometimes takes on a personified existence as in, “The NakedMan Moleskin was bemused.”
Numistic Spirit Guide: A non-F3er, often of non-Caucasian ethnicity, who appears out of the Gloom to offer wisdom or other sage guidance (or at least the appearance that he could provide such counsel if it were needed and if life were a Hollywood movie). Their service is often recognized with personalized awards, flowery proclamations and cash gifts. Alternatively known as a “Bagger Vance.”
Nutless: Those Pax who are not in fact male.
Old: A man in his 40s.
Ollie Norths: Heaving a man over your back to carry him from the battlefield. Then carry him for a while. (f/k/a First Responders)
Otis Bomb: The act of farting in an elevator just prior to being the last one to exit, leaving the awful odor for the next person to suffer through.
Owl Bars: The pullup bars installed at Freedom Park through the political string-pulling of Mighty Mighty Owl Bait.
Panhandle Daisy: Any weed commonly found in the Redneck Riviera. Also, something a Bowden (any Bowden) would pin on his jacket to try to impress the ladies.
People’s Chair: Sitting against a wall with knees bent at a 90-degree angle for a period of time TBD by the workout leader. Best enjoyed in Senator Ramos’s Office.
Plankorama: A routine; any kind of plank strung together until TBQ.
Post: To show up, physically or virtually (e.g., by e-mail).
Prius: Any hybrid vehicle, low-flush toilet or other tree-hugging idea that may or may not actually address the larger problem but gives the user a sense of moral superiority over the non-user.
Pullerama: A pull-up routine of no specific composition.
Pusherama: A chest routine of no specific composition, done to TBQ.
QIC: The leader of a given workout. Stands for “Qrusader in Charge” and is a tribute to F3′s predecessor group, the Qrusade. Aka the Q.
Randorama: a series of completely unrelated and seemingly disjointed exercises done at an exhaustively rapid pace.
Recylced Merlot:A boot. Losing your chunks mid-workout and splashing the vino you drank last night all over the field.
Refusenik: Stubborn PAX member that stops down during an exercise for some unknown usually invalid reason. See a HateHate when certain exercises may be too old school. Often mixed with MumbleChatter.
REMF: A F3er who talks a lot about Posting, but never actually does. In military usage, stands for “Rear Echelon MFer.”
Respect: A man in his 50s or older.
RobertPlants:Running up the stairway of the same name–it’s by the Garfunkel at Selwyn.
Rock of Ages: The big rock at Freedom Park over which the Faithful climb, often during The Gauntlet.
Rottweiler-Head: a man with an abnormally large noggin.
Senator Ramos’ Office: The loading dock and dumpster-park behind Selwyn Elementary in CNC. Inspired by the Selwyn janitor Hector Ramos (not actually a Senator–more of an honorarium, Brothers).
Senator Tressel-style: Anything jacked up in Ohio State fashion. Inspiration: Former Coach Tressel’s sweater vests. C’mon coach, that’s not right. Seriously, no sweater vests.
Shart: Trying to break wind mid-workout and finding the result mixed with a little of the real thing. Messy.
SheHateMe: From the Swirling Snakes Between the Ears of Hitman comes SheHateMe, inspired by the Czech Pain Queen Zoosana. This is how it works: 10 Lunges (20 movements)/10 Burps (Burpees without the pushup and the standing)/10 Pushups. No rest, as many sets as you can, for as long as the QIC deems necessary.
ShovelFlag: Old Glory on top of a long-shaft shovel. Each F3 workout owns one and pounds it into the ground so that the Faithful can gather around it.
Six: Your ass or the back of the line or the position at the end.
Six Minutes of Mary: An abdominal routine of no specific composition as long as it promotes TBQ. Inspired by psycho-killer with the 7 minute ab workout in Something About Mary.
SmokeBoots: That which a Qrusader straps on when he runs the Faithful into the dirt.
Spreadsheeting: Working, particularly on dumb stuff that somebody up the food-chain has demanded.
STIFFLERsMOM:Tyler Hansborough’s Mother.
Strings of Fire: A routine: three exercises done to a four-count set of six without rest followed by a hundred yard dash.
Sugar Ray: F3er tending toward the ectomorphic body type; naturally wary of kettlebells and excessive workout gear (antonym: Butterbean).
Supines: A sit-up executed from flat on your back until touching your toes.
Sweepertee: A musical recommendation from SweeperBoy, who guarantees you will like it or he’ll buy it from you.
SweetSix: A six-mile (or so) Thursday morning running of the GONADS along the fabled MMOB City Loop. A Must.
Swingset Orangutans: An exercise: jump up and grab the top of the swingset going sideways and walk your walk hand over hand to the other end.
Swirling Snakes: The brain of the average F3er.
TBQ: Total Bowel Quiver–working out so hard you kinda lose . . .well, you get the picture.
Thang: The workout. What was done that day.
Tomatoes in the Sun: Women working out in an F3 AO.
Top O’ The Pond: Princeton Road entrance to Freedom Park; prime harvets area when Silence wants to visit a U-Pik Tomato Patch.
TripleClaps: Three short explosive claps, executed in sincere admiration for someone or something. Also, “3xclaps” or “TClaps.”
TrophyCircle: Bus parking lot at Selwyn Elementary in CNC.
Trusted Friend: An obese guy who is friendly, non-judgmental and tends towards compromise in order to keep being put into an Emotional Headlock.
UA: Unexcused Absence; failure to Post. There are multiple levels of UA-ing, most of which depend on the level of commitment to Post an F3er has made in advance of the workout or other event.
Vaginitis: Acting in a manner that betrays a certain lack of masculine zeal.
VSF: In the absence of a physical shovel flag, a Virtual Shovel Flag must do.
WalterStack: An old F3er, or a poorly planned triathlon in San Francisco.
WarBaby: Youngest Posting Qrusader that day.
WarDaddy: Oldest Posting Qrusader that day.
Weinke: A Workout In A Bag. Inspired by the giant wristband of plays Chris Weinke had to wear because he couldn’t even keep a quarterback sneak straight in his head.
WhiskeyDicking: Execution without zeal; going through the motions.
Workout Cardigan: Any old-mannish and inappropriate work-out gear; e.g., everything Dr. JellyFinger wears.
Workout In A Bag: A list of exercises the QIC puts in a plastic bag for reference during the workout.
Yankeetyne: The sprawling X-urb south of Charlotte that is formally referred to as Ballantyne. Yankees, moving to Charlotte and knowing no better, are conned into moving there by Realtors who take them there on a Saturday so they do not know it is bumper-to-bumper the whole way into town during the week, Hence, it is full of darn Yankees.
YHC: Your Humble Correspondent, aka a way to refer to yourself in third person when writing a BackBlast.
Young Lust: The low wall at the AG front gate–suitable for Legoramas and such.
Zeal: The true, pure positive attitude of a properly motivated F3er (antonym: FEBA).